Touch x and x Breath
by HanaKaicho
Summary: Killua has a nightmare of murdering Gon. Killua wakes up horrified and Gon helps him to calm down. (Includes reference to canon typical violence. Rated M just to be safe.) Originally on AO3 by me. Cover image is by xxlovelyrose95xx on tumblr. Updated to be actually readable, not just formatting nonsense.


_What have I done?_

Killua stared aghast at his hands which glistened in the moonlight from the blood covering them.

" _Sorry, Killua."_

Those had been the last words that had come from Gon's lips before Killua had felt himself slit Gon's throat.

His best friend.

He had slit his best friend's throat.

His…

Killua couldn't remember what had led to that moment or how long he had been sitting here, straddling Gon's now still chest. All he remembered was the feeling of dealing the final blow to his best friend.

" _Sorry, Killua."_

 _Sorry?_

"Sorry?" Killua said quietly. It felt like a word that had been utterly misused, in the same sense as a verb used as a noun or a volcano being called a fish.

" _Sorry?_ " Killua said again, this time louder and at Gon's corpse, his voice shaking and increasing in volume as he continued. "What the hell did _you_ have to be sorry for? What did _you_ do wrong? _Why the hell were YOU the one asking ME for forgiveness_?"

Killua brought his head down next to Gon's, tears spilling from his eyes. When he touched Gon's face and neck, they were already cold. He whispered, as though talking into Gon's ear, "I'm sorry Gon. _I'm_ the one who's sorry. I'm _sorry_."

Killua flung his head back as an anguished cry tore from his lips.

Killua jolted upright in bed with a scream. His chest heaved as his heart pounded and he fought to catch his breath.

The room was dark but all the same he held his hands in front of his face, checking them for the blood that had been on them moments ago under the moonlight.

"-a."

"-lua!"

"Killua!" he finally heard Gon's voice saying his name.

With a jolt, he whipped around to look for the source of the voice.

A warm, rough hand touched Killua's arm.

 _Gon._

"Killua," came Gon's voice again, clearly concerned. "Are you okay? What happened?"

"It was just a bad dream," Killua said, flopping back on the bed with something of a huff and with his back to Gon. "I don't want to talk about it. Just go back to sleep."

After a brief moment of silence, Killua heard Gon say, "Hey, Killua, you promised, remember? If any of your nightmares were bad enough to wake you up like this, you'd talk to me about them." Gon placed his hand on Killua's arm again, squeezing his upper arm gently.

Killua tried to resist but he could already feel his breaths catching in his throat and his body shaking. Before he could stifle them completely, small sobs escaped his mouth.

Gon gave Killua's arm another reassuring squeeze as he trembled.

"I-," Killua struggled to form the words. "I-I killed you, Gon."

After a beat, words started spilling from his lips seemingly of their own accord.

"In- in my dream...I killed you. I slit your throat, I don't know why. Your blood- it was everywhere. On the ground, on your clothes, all over my hands. And you were dead! I killed you! You were totally still, Gon! And when I touched you, you were cold! And-!"

Killua's throat tightened, stopping him, but Gon's soft touch made him able to continue.

"An…d, the last thing you s-said to me was 'Sorry,' even though you didn't do anything wrong," Killua finished with a shudder. "It was like you didn't even blame me."

A moment of quiet followed, only Killua's shaking, uneven breaths disturbing the silence.

Finally Gon said gently, "Hey, Killua. Give me your hand."

"Huh?"

"It'll be fine, just give me your hand."

Killua tensed, his hands clenching into fists. He could still feel the ghosting sensation of dragging the knife through Gon's throat with those hands as it replayed in his mind again and again.

Nonetheless, Gon's hand followed Killua's arm down to his hand and entangled their fingers as he used his other hand to grasp it from behind, holding it firmly in his warm grip.

Gon was always so warm, in every possible sense. Affectionate, caring, open, all traits Killua had practically been introduced to by Gon. Even now, though they had been together for years, Gon's warmth of personality really threw Killua off sometimes, especially times like this. Somehow Gon was able to get Killua out of his own head like it was the easiest, most natural thing in the world. For Gon, enveloping Killua in his warmth seemed a simple and natural as killing had been to Killua for so long. It still was for the most part but the longer he spent with Gon, the more that faded away.

And physically! It almost seemed like Gon was always running a fever. He ran hot all the time and when he actually did run a fever, he could be used to heat any small room on his own with his body heat alone. They never needed heavy blankets, even in the winter, because Gon was never cold and, as long as he slept next to Gon, neither was Killua.

Being with Gon felt like being under the spring sun, warm and bright.

Gon drew Killua out of his reverie, gently pulling Killua's arm away from his body and towards Gon's. Despite how weak and pathetic it made him feel, Killua surrendered to the movement and turned to face Gon as well, seeing the dim light from the window reflected in Gon's eyes. Gon moved the hand that was entwined with Killua's to the back of Killua's hand and moved the hand that had been there down to Killua's wrist and then brought Killua's palm to his cheek. Gon closed his eyes and Killua felt him let out a small sigh and smile.

"It's okay, Killua. I'm right here and I'm warm, see?" Gon said after a moment. When Killua didn't respond, Gon opened his eyes and said again, "See?"

Not trusting his voice, Killua just nodded.

Gon smiled again and nodded, drawing Killua's hand to his throat.

"And see? I'm not hurt," Gon said.

Killua's hand started to stir at this point, his thumb rubbing against Gon's skin, as though not convinced just by what he had initially touched. Gon released Killua's hand and moved his head back slightly so Killua could touch him more easily. Killua brought both hands to Gon's neck, running his fingers over where the wound had been in his dream. Gon's skin was unbroken, whole and not rent by Killua's actions.

"I trust you, Killua, no matter what," Gon said. "You always have what's best for me at heart and if in your dream you had to kill me, I think dream me understood that. That's probably what the me in your dream meant when he said he was sorry. My dream self must have put you in a position where you didn't have any other choice and I would never want to do that do you."

A sob escaped Killua's throat as he suddenly grasped Gon and pulled him close, burying his head in the side of Gon's neck.

Gon wrapped his arms around Killua as well and held them tightly, bringing them even closer together so their bodies were pressed against one another. Even though he couldn't see or feel it, Killua could hear that Gon's face was smiling again when he said, "Now what can you feel, hm, Killua?"

"Your breathing," Killua responded, still a little shaky.

"Mm-hm," Gon affirmed, nuzzling into Killua.

Killua didn't really notice but Gon did when Killua then let out a huge breath, taking with it a great deal of the tension that had been built up in his muscles. Gon felt Killua become soft in his arms and felt his breathing relax. He remained just as he was, snuggling Killua with all the love in his heart.

"Sorry if this is uncomfortable for you, Gon, but can we stay like this just a little longer?" Killua asked a few moments later, his voice even but breathy.

Gon gave a little chuckle and pressed a kiss onto the nape of Killua's neck and said, "As long as you want, Killua."

Gon rubbed Killua's back a little and then repeated,

"As long as you want."


End file.
